On my mind
So, I realized today as I drove home from work and my thoughts flew from one topic to another….that the Hormones are winning the battle!!!!!
Driving down the road listening to a CD full of praise and worship, I felt eladed to be a child of God. And the next minute I would focus on all my inadiquicies. Some would blame Satan, saying that he is winning the battle. I would argue agains that for many reasons. I’ve experienced a lot of what Satan has to offer this world. The cruelty at the hands of others. No, I would venure to say it is something else, more profound. Reality.
I’ve always been real about my faith. It is the most important thing in my life. I love my husband and I love my family….often more then I love myself, But ultimetaly I love God. He owns my life and my heart. But that does not mean that things between us are going well.
For the last few months, I’ve battle chronic pain and the reality tha carrying my own children in my womb may not be a reality. For months I’ve agonized over what to do, what road to take? Do I do the Hormones, Do I have surgery?? Time and Time again I would hand all my worries over to God…and in return I expected this great spiriual awakening. I expected God to open my eyes in a whole new light…that I would become this amazing testimony of his Love, Grace, and Joy. When that didn’t happen I was devistated. Hurt, angry and mad…..AT the ruler of the universe I know not the smartest choice.
I would lay in bed at night feeling so alone, and yet know that there were thousands just like me out ther.
With in the last few days, A new though has lingered in my mind. Why I choose to share this with you I’m not quite sure, but it is me. I began to think of the verses in the Bible that refer to Christ as the Bride Groom, and us as his Bride. It struck me slightly funny how Romantizied that Idea has become. It sounds so pretty on paper doesn’t, or through the voice of a preacher….calling us to be his beloved. Now I’m not trying to say that this isn’t an amazing revelation….on the Contrary. If you take it out of the Romanisized context, you can see something all together different.
I do not think it random that Christ used this relationship to illistrate his relationship to us. I do not think I am the first to have these thoughts either. I feel like often in churches today if you are not on what I would call a “Spiritual High” then in the eyes of many you are not where you should be. It becomes and addiction does it not? A hunger that can consume your thoughts….I’ve been there often….thinking “why am I just a bad christina? Why don’t I FEEL Christ?”
Being a Bride and a Groom lasts for one day, the planning takes many months…the Marriage every single day. There is a verse in Ephesians that I can not quote for sure (my Bible is in the car currently, I know how awful….but this verse is in my heart, not word for word, but the meaning lives there) The verse is in regards to Isreal being cast aside by everyone in the world, completely left alone to die. Then Christ walks by and sees that they are ready for Love…..He wraps his cloack around them, and declares, ” I will enter into a covenant with you, you have become mine.” That covenant will last a life time. In marriage there are times, when you are content, as is that not okay? Are you not saying to the one you committed your life to that you are completely comfortable? I’m not trying to say that you stay in this place with Christ…but that maybe, just maybe it is okay every now and then.
I love it when in the rough times all your friends declare, “It is okay to be mad at God!!! Let it out.” I have no extreme emtion towards my groom at this point in life. I am content to sit and quitely rest with him. I’m tired of seeking, I need to rest. I do not need the drug of Spiritual Elation (not that those feelings are enirely bad, only when you become dependant on them to produce your identity) All I need to is know that as a christian, at times it is okay to feel disconnected, tired and out of fight. I just want to be married, share my thoughts, and continue my walk.
I’ve been through alot with God, I’ve struggled with some very real religious questions, and my views are constantly changing and being challenged. But one thing that will never change is this, I gave Christ my heart a long time ago, it belongs to know one else. I share it with my husband, my family, and my friends. But it belongs to him, and I do not fear his lull (if you will) in our relationship. I stand contenat to rest in order to strong for the next battle to come…..And it will come.
Well those are my thoughts, I apologize if this upsets you or don’t agree…I welcome comments, but please know, my goal and my gift in life is being real.