Josh and Keri

Today I sat in a confrence room at work, listening not so intently upon my manger’s words about how he is wanting to change the company….when all of a sudden I see a flash across the ceiling go from the far right to the far left side of the room. Again, and again…I don’t understand it is coming about ever thirty seconds. Or to someone like me who seems to see things in rhythm instead of time it was coming every measure. I was facinated at tryint to figure out what this could be. Now conicidently it was also apear just at the top of the windows on that side of the room. And it looked like this white thing that  went for the right to the left. I could not figure out what it was….a bird….well if so it would have to be a seagull but how would it know to go ever for four beats or so? A plane? No, they don’t travel that close together. What could it be. I was so distracted, so enamored, and detirmined to figure out what this could be I literally missed about fifteen minutes of our meeting. With that realization I was very happy I was not in fifth grade again and in dread of being called on by the teacher who can tell you are obviously not listening.

 so after about fifteen minutes or so…I realized it had to be the reflection of the cars on the street below as they passed by. While this did provide a conclusion to my utter confusion, it is not the point of the story.

I realized how distracted I really was in just those fifteen minutes. Right, I can hear you all saying, “yes Keri we know you have ADD.”

But I had to wonder, how often are we distracted in life? and in those moments, what are we missing?

I watched a music video I’ve seen several times before where the Creator and his creation are walking hand in hand…..doing a dance if you will. The creation Marvles at what the creator has to offer and show it. Suddenly, from out of no where the enemy sneaks in and distracts the creation from it’s creator. Slowly but surely they drift apart…..In the end the creator sacrifices itself for the well being of the created and they walk hand in hand off the stage. I know we all know what this represents…but just a quick thought.

A simple distraction takes the created is taken further and further away. Caught up in greed, gluteny, and pride. I wonder how often do I spend my time “distracted?”

what seems to be innocent enough, is just one step away from the Lord’s path in my life….yet WHAT is that shiny thing just two steps away? Well now I have to find out what that is.

So here is the question…..What distraction has the enemy stratecigally placed in your life. Because my friend if you think it just happened….let me assure it did not. Things that take you further from your faith……do not JUST HAPPEN…but are a DISTRACTION.

There she lay upon the hot moistened sand, in the dreadfully defeated ground. Her cheeks intimately coming to know the smell of evaporating hope, unprotected from the sun’s abusive hands.

Anyone passing by would have thought she had passed out from the gapping open wounds; the worst part may have been that she was still acutely aware of what was going on around her. The enemy’s soldiers were currently occupied with carrying out their general’s plan of defeat. Her helmet lay just out of reach over her head as though begging her to try for it. Her weapons and belt which held most of them, had been thrown Lord knows how far from her body. Clothes were ripped and exposed most of her torso, as her right foot held on loosely to the boot it owned. The precious shield she usually shook behind was just to her right, though she was not sure her arms could support the weight of now. Even if her muscles did not burn from the beatings, she was not sure her shield would be enough to get her off the battle field at this point. While her eyes remained closed she could sense her fellow soldiers were either wounded or none existent. Was she to blame for the separation?

Now I don’t know what it is like to be on the forefront of a battle field that is for sure. But if I had to imagine my own life as a battle for spiritual warfare at this point….I honestly believe I would be the character above.

I surrendered upon my knees this morning and threw myself before the Lord. Over some issues I was having at work. Deep with in the prayer where I was explaining to God my situation and how poorly I was being treated and how miserable I was, I saw a battle field. I watched as a lifeless body just laid there, with some armor spread all around them. Suddenly I remember the Music Camp I spent at my church where we learned this song about the ARMOR of GOD. I thought, “Weird.” I hated that song, and what could that possible have to do with me.

It is in those moments, where nothing makes sense and then all of a sudden it is so profound you wonder why you didn’t see it before, That you know it is God putting you face to face with the truth of who you are! He takes the time to figure out how to confuse you enough to get hold of your undivided attention…and just when you think you are going crazy he reveals the meaning behind the situation. Sound unbelievable? It is, but look it up. How many times did the disciples sit/stand before Jesus not only thinking he was crazy, but they might just be as well, before he spelled out the meaning behind each parable?

I realized in that small moment, that I was right where Satan has strategically place me on this battle field called earth. My armor was spread all about me just out of reach, and surely his demons could not have enough power to throw them away? No, I had slowly over the course of this battle, taken off my armor. Some how thinking I no longer needed it. I was in a new environment and I needed to fit, I might stick out if I wore it all the time. I would pick it back up if I needed it.

There lay my belt of truth along side my sword of the spirit just out of reach. My helmet of salvation was disillusioned by the self saving attitude I placed in my head. My vest of righteousness became a shade of grayness, and my prayers became none existent.

As I began to read the scripture that contains the truth of which pieces of armor are priceless. I thought perhaps it if I walked out my door that afternoon with the helmet or the sword I would be Good!!! Apparently I was more blind then I thought.

I read about how important the full armor was in order to concur anything. I set forth upon my march towards the meeting I was about to have with my managers about how “Wronged” I was. And I prayed. I prayed for the entire drive to work. Half way through the drive, I realized something…I was only trying to pray. For the first time in my life I felt as though I fully understood the meaning of having two sides of your brain. The Left side, was praying and trying to convince God I was a good person and listening to praise and worship cd I had in my car. The Right side of my brain was in the process of “Enacting” how my meeting would play out with the managers. I was planning what I would say, then how they would respond and then what I would say next.  I know what you are thinking and yes, I am multi talented.

I stopped…mainly because I was at a red light. But I stopped, I turned off my music and I began to pray out loud for the devil and God to hear both. I said, “God, I have to surrender to you. These ‘discussions’ never end up the way I envision them going on my head.” I began to pray heavily asking God to help me surrender to him this issue…this
Battle if you will. At that moment I was again Transported back in time to my early years of faith. I was suddenly standing in my old church looking at the big screen during praise and worship. I remembered this song about how “The Battle Belongs to the Lord” Now I could not say for certain how long it had been since I had sang….let along heard this song. Suddenly my mouth opened and I sang in the right melody, “The battle belongs to the Lord.” And I didn’t stop there I continued, “When the enemy presses and darkness surrounds, the battle belongs to the Lord, and we Sing glooooory, Hoooonor, Power and Strength to the Lord” Which is basically the whole song. I was literally stunned that I would remember this song. But I sang this song almost my entire ride into work…..If I began to start thinking about my upcoming meeting, I would stop and sing. Over and over again, I said the battle belongs to the Lord.

I would be lying if I said I went in to my meeting and everything went perfectly. It was hard, emotional, frustrating, etc. But I made it through. And if you read Ephesians 6, it does not say “you wear this armor and you will never lose.” But it does say, “you will stand firm and you will stand strong.”

Before today I felt weak, helpless, and tired of life. But now I’m beginning to pick up my armor, put it on slowly piece by piece and for the first time in a long time I am STANDING FIRM.

This is my story….what is yours.

That is right we I have great news!!! I am the newest member of the Southern Mass Festival choir!!!!!! We are a group of a hundred and have a concert scheduled for December 13 and 14th. So if you are in MA round that time let me know!!!!! I’m so excited!!!! http://www.smfconline.org/upcomingevents.html her e is our website

Are you where you thought you would be?

At 23, 54, or 32?

And do you do the things you were meant to do?

Me? I thought I’d be single and fee

A midwestern girl discovering the World

But enters “love” and new mysteries

Then one foot in front of the other there you go.

Life brings a mix of this and that

Constantly turning the folded map

Are you where you thought you’d be

At 12, 45, or 63?

Please excuse me while I continue to explore my faith and this new theory I’ve developed. 

Sometimes I feel like I have Bipolar Christainism……anyone else? Some times I look at the world around me and think “Wow what an amazing God who has created all this?” and I praise him like there is no tomorrow. The next day I realize all the hard crap I have to deal with, and I think, “What kind of a God would allow this much on my plate at one time?” I know like most Christians you are thinking…..”Well now Keri….this is not God’s plan it is Satan’s.” Hmmmmm okay, I see your point…..but please tell me the last time you felt overwhelmed and angry and your first thought was…..”oh well, this is just Satan’s plan….God has nothing to do with it.”  

Cause we’ve all been taught this….but we’ve also been taught that God has the power to, oh what do they say…..MOVE MOUNTAINS? When will the mountain I’m carrying on my back be moved? Anyone……I’ve got my mustard seed of faith I really do…. And yet nothing.  

So what brings about my decision that I have Bipolar Christianism? Well this morning while driving to work. I’m listening to my praise and worship CD, thinking to myself, “Self, you got to Praise the Lord in the time of your struggles.” So I’m listening and singing the songs, I’ve sung my entire life and one minute I’m like singing and happy only to find myself stopping to really think about the words. The song is this, “Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be you name, Jesus. You give and take away, you give and take away, you give and take away, Lord Blessed be your name.” So I stop and think AMEN. You gave and you are now taking away. Now my first thought was not, “Blessed be your name.” It was something quite different that I will not put on here!! I’m sorry but I’m a selfish Sinful person who hates it when things are given to me and taken away. How rude!!!!!!!!! I like things given to me and if I choose to give it away great, but I don’t want it taken away from me. I understand about death….I get that. But what about health or love? So really when was the last time you thought about the songs you were singing to the Almighty. Cause there are some I just don’t get!  

So does this make me a bad person??? Is there some type of Christian medication I should be taking, perhaps I should read the Bible more, or pray more, go to church more. Perhaps……but why then would people say Christ comes to you in the hard times if you are expected to “do more?”  

So here is what I’m thinking. Christianity in our society, is like a drug it’s self. We consider those who seem to have the “spiritual high” to be the “good Christians.” And those who seem content in faith to be lazy. There are highs and there are lows when it comes to faith. But then there are the times in faith, where every single day there is a new emotion. I think, while I call it “Bipolar Christianism,” I think it is being human. Profound? No but Honest? I think so. There are things in life that will move us to realize there is a God and he can do amazing things. There are things in life….that though you study the Bible, pray with out ceasing, tithe constantly, love your enemies, give of yourself to others….There are things in life that will cause you to say…. “If there is a God where is the hell is he?”  

Why is it as Christians, we feel the need to defend God….Isn’t he the All Powerful one? Are we so afraid he will fail to answer this question, that when a friend is in need, and hurt, and angry, we feel the need to pat them on the back and say, “It’s okay God is with you, he has a plan…..he is just testing your faith….you know like Job.”  

Or how about when a non believer stands up and asks this question we say, “oh they just don’t get it.” Lets be honest there are times in life…….when I, you, everyone….just doesn’t get it. 

Ever suffer from Bipolar Christianism? I do.  

I’m twenty four and have seen a lot in my few years here. I’ve over come great obstacles and I’ve sank in the depths of despair many times. Yet it seems as though nothing can compare to the obstacle before me. As a young girl I would hear stories about women unable to have their own babies and a sense of pity would arise. I never fully understood the complications this could cause for a woman or the trauma to her spirit. We always say adoption is such a noble option, which is true as can be, yet there is something to be said for the miracle of creating something so precious with the one you share you life with. There is something to be said for losing your sense of who you are as a woman if you are unable to have your own children. And you know that people look at you with the same pity you once had for others. We are raised to be care takers and to always put others before our selves. Which is what I struggle with now; I don’t want to let any one down. And yet I suffer. I go to doctor after doctor with no answers, no resolve, and no hope for relieve. I go through treatments that seem to work for a small period of time with many terrible side effects just to one day maybe…..just maybe be able to carry my own child. Is it worth it? Only a question I can answer and yet, at the same time I can not.I want to put others feelings above my own and be selfish all at the same time.  

In life you can sympathize with others and hold their hands while they walk through the rocky valley of life. But the truth is you will never understand what another goes through unless you have walked through the same valley with the same rocks and most of us rarely do. That is why you feel so alone when you stumble and crawl. God promises to be there “though I walk through the valley….” Yet at times I feel there must be a dense fog that keeps me from seeing him and loud thunder that covers his voice from my ear. I cry out time and time again………yet I can not hear his voice. Have my eyes been blinded? And my ears made deaf??? Jesus come for your lost lamb!!  

I praise you through my struggles….I don’t know how Oh God but some how I do. That my path in life may not be as bad as others, that my trails be not life or death, that my security is safe. I place songs of praise in my heart and I cling to the Voice I know I shall hear again.  

Which way do we go when we can not see the road????  Be Still and know that I am God. Be still and know…..

So lets just be honest shall well…..as this seems to be my motto for life. Life can suck even if you are Christian. I know a lot of you will say, “well Keri just have more faith.” or how bout “Keri, God has a plan for this. He will make you stronger or even help some one else.” And yes while these things may all be true…..it doesn’t mean life can’t suck.

For those of you have been following the story of my health, or have heard through some one else. I have been on a long journey for quite some time. I have severe chronic pain in my lower left abdomen from Endometriosis. I’ve had two surgeries to remove the Endo, and tried a variety of hormones to correct the problem. Unfortunately none of them have worked for me. Recently, I was given a Nerve Block by the Boston Pain Clinic and the first one back in March helped with the pain for about a month.

Last Wed. I went back to the Boston Pain Clinic for a second nerve block. However, the procedure was not as successful as the last time. There were several complications and I ended up in ER yesterday with chest pains from some of the medication they injected on Wed.

So once again, Josh and I feel as though we are at square one. Having to think about things that we should not have to deal with this early in life. We have two options and both are equally hard and have consequences that will effect the rest of our lives. We are not ready to be parents and yet we are not ready to give up the option of having kids of our own later in life.

So What Does God say to all this????????

Being a Christian does not mean life is perfect and nothing bad will ever happen to you. I think a lot of people get that perception of “Christians.” and I for one think it is sad. I am like everyone else, with my own set of problems, my own sins and terrible thoughts, and my own weaknesses. Just because I believe in an ALL Powerful God, does not mean I’m free from trouble. I wish sometimes that were true but not yet. he he he.

So where do we go from here. Who knows????? Any thoughts suggestions?

To be a woman today

Who knows quite what that means.

Pages of our an sectors seem to have clear answers

In Jesus’ time a woman leaned on her husband or son to provide.

Having no other means to live by

Condemned and stoned for being different

In the beginning of our country

A woman was to produce children and teach them each their roles in life

A son must be strong and take the occupation of the father

A daughter to learn to cook and clean

Swiftly changing the meaning behind a woman grows ever more

To care for others, a husband, a child, a friend, parent.

To clean a house that grows and grows

To feed your love ones

To teach other generations

To build a career higher and higher

To increase your knowledge

To give life to another human being

To stay size 0 as long as you can

With perfect hair, eyes, make up

Unable to conform to one of these things

Does this mean you are not truly a woman?

What makes one a woman today?

To each their own must answer this question

To debate and create.

What is a woman in your eyes?

What is a woman in God’s eyes

What is a woman in society’s eyes?

Does what a grandmother

A mother

A sister

A friend

Dictate what makes a woman?

To each their own.

As a christian how many times are you asked this question. The challenge always comes when they come back asking about all the tragic things in this world.

What if we could help them see a smaller world? Why are we as humans so self centered some times. I can not answer how God works in the tradgedy of life, but I can show people how he works in my life. What if I make it a point to write down every single time I see or hear God in my life. A bit much…Perhaps. So how about one story to begin with?

You notice God in the big things right. Times of trials and hardships when you cry out to him with all you have inside of you begging him to just understand and safe you from this from this world.

Yesterday I was blessed to by his works in such a small way I almost missed it. For two weeks now I’ve missed all my friends and family. People I used to talk to everyday and not only talk to once in a while. I missed the friendships with those who shared my faith and could truely speak to the inner most parts of my heart when I was in need. I missed being surrounded by those who spoke truth and not lies. And while I may have told a few friends how I greatly missed them no one knew the depth of my pain. Not even I.

I forgot to pray. “You may ask HOW is that possible??? Don’t you know when you need something you should always take it to God on your knees……Come on Keri how long have you been a christian???” I didn’t even know I needed anything….I just thought that was life. I thought I just needed to be more proactive in finding friends myself. Which I have no problem doing….but non had shared my faith and that left a lonely feeling. So what is this all getting to?

Last night, I stood talking to a co-worker, who is a Jewish follower. We talked of faith and giving to others and having a heart for people. In talking she mentioned her neighbor who was a “Born Again Christian.” And the most giving lovely person she ever knew. We kept talking and both of us just had this incredible feeling that I had to meet this woman. I passed along my phone number and now I wait for a call to meet this woman.

In that moment I was filled with such hope and just this incredible knowledge of knowing I was being taken care of……even though I never knew I needed it.

Christ encourages us to pick our friends wisely. Not only so that we will not stray away from truth…..but so that our Needs may be fufilled. If you seek you shall find…..and sometimes even when you forget to seek…..God may come knock on your door with help!!!! What an amazing God I serve, who would know my needs and desires before I even know them. And not only that he would know them…but that he would provide for them!!!!

These are simply my thoughts. But I’m amazed at how God works sometimes, and I know that is not a fluk thing. But that God is truely working in my life and providing for my needs.

I love you God and thank you for all you do for me each and every day. PRAISE THE LORD ALL MY SOUL!!!!

Being goofy

This is me now

To tell ones story, openly and honestly is to bring truth into the light, and make Satan’s hold broken! I share my story openly with you, because not only do most you deserve the truth, due to all the love you given me, but because I believe that everyone can learn from someone else’s story.

As most of you know, I have an eating disorder. At 17 years old I was at my highest weight of 170lbs, at the time I didn’t realize it but I was on several different medications that caused me to gain weight rapidly. In high school, I was the funny, dramatic, outgoing one….but never the pretty one. I was told by several people I would never date unless I lost some weight. Luckily that was not the most important thing to me in high school. So what was the changing point? I think it was the moment my father kicked me out of his house for reasons that seem so silly. In that moment I placed reality in two lies, one that I would never be good enough, and two I had no control over things.

I believe that those two lies were embedded in my mind and became my greatest ali. The first steps I took towards losing weight was going to Meijer and buying huge bottles of Ephedrine riddled Diet Pills. I started taking them and found a whole new energy. I started a new eating regimen, with an instant breakfast milk dring, half an apple and half a yogurt for lunch, and for dinner half of whatever was made. I went to the doctors and demanded to be taken off all the meds. With in a period of five months I dropped 40lbs.  And felt great, I started getting this whole new attention and I felt great about myself, and I had one thing I could control.

I took at the most 3 diet pills 3x a day and at the worst was only eating dinner. This process lasted through the last half of my junior year and my entire Senior year. A lot of lies were told, but mostly to myself, I hurt a lot of people I loved, and caused others to worry.

Going off to college you hear about the freshman fifteen, and to someone who had worked so hard to lose weight, that was a terrifying thought. I went on crash diet before college and at my smallest was 105lb. I thought this was perfection and would have been elated if I had reached 100.

Once at college Ephedrine was taken off the market due to it’s link in heart attacks. I was furious, now what was I going to do? I rested for awhile, and tried new diet pills, but none seem to work quite as well. So eventually I turned to Laxatives. It took a while to get the hang of them and to keep them a secret, but I was a fast learner. I soon learned to take them at night so as to go undetected, and if those whom I did live with ever had questions, I’d just tell them I didn’t feel well. Sometimes it was the flu, sometimes it was cramping, and some times it was “food poisoning.” I would take about 3-4 everyother night. I was a great way to maintain my weight and yet eat foods I liked.

So where am I today? Magically cured!!!!!! No, but much much better. I have been clean of all laxatives and diet pills for over a year now. A lot of hard work has gone into that. A lot of counseling and a lot of tough choices.

 Since moving out to the east-coast, I’ve invested in seeing a Nutritionist and personal trainer, to help me re learn how to care for myself. To counter the lies about food and health. I’m proud to say that not only have I been clean from those meds, but I’ve been eating five to six small meals a day, and I’ve gained 13lbs. I’m now a healthy weight of 133lbs. Praise God!!!!

I truely believe that any person who suffers from an eating disorder should seek help from a nutritionist. They are like a doctor who offers correct medicines that can offer a cure. My Nutritionist has offered me the tools to see truth. I see her on a weekly basis and she helps me to realize a healthy weight and healthy food habits.

Everyday is a new battle with food everywhere, but with professional help, a God who stands by me through the worst of times, and a family who never lost hope. I continue to view life differently. My new goal is to be healthy not stick thin.

It is sad the message our society teaches young women today. It is not just the message that being thin is the only beauty in the world. It teaches young people today that being thin is power, fame, and riches beyond belief. Most of societies rich and famous are harassed for being to thin and yet mocked for have a little meat on their bones. They are glorified and given power and riches for being the perfect size to sell a product. Instead of promoting health we promote perfection. We can change the world one person at a time. I will take a stand to promote health, not beauty or fame or power. I am one person, and with Christ in me stronger then a thousand. These will not be my last words, but something to start with.

Thanks to everyone who loves me.

Keri