Be Still
I’m twenty four and have seen a lot in my few years here. I’ve over come great obstacles and I’ve sank in the depths of despair many times. Yet it seems as though nothing can compare to the obstacle before me. As a young girl I would hear stories about women unable to have their own babies and a sense of pity would arise. I never fully understood the complications this could cause for a woman or the trauma to her spirit. We always say adoption is such a noble option, which is true as can be, yet there is something to be said for the miracle of creating something so precious with the one you share you life with. There is something to be said for losing your sense of who you are as a woman if you are unable to have your own children. And you know that people look at you with the same pity you once had for others. We are raised to be care takers and to always put others before our selves. Which is what I struggle with now; I don’t want to let any one down. And yet I suffer. I go to doctor after doctor with no answers, no resolve, and no hope for relieve. I go through treatments that seem to work for a small period of time with many terrible side effects just to one day maybe…..just maybe be able to carry my own child. Is it worth it? Only a question I can answer and yet, at the same time I can not.I want to put others feelings above my own and be selfish all at the same time.
In life you can sympathize with others and hold their hands while they walk through the rocky valley of life. But the truth is you will never understand what another goes through unless you have walked through the same valley with the same rocks and most of us rarely do. That is why you feel so alone when you stumble and crawl. God promises to be there “though I walk through the valley….” Yet at times I feel there must be a dense fog that keeps me from seeing him and loud thunder that covers his voice from my ear. I cry out time and time again………yet I can not hear his voice. Have my eyes been blinded? And my ears made deaf??? Jesus come for your lost lamb!!
I praise you through my struggles….I don’t know how Oh God but some how I do. That my path in life may not be as bad as others, that my trails be not life or death, that my security is safe. I place songs of praise in my heart and I cling to the Voice I know I shall hear again.
Which way do we go when we can not see the road???? Be Still and know that I am God. Be still and know…..