Josh and Keri

Please excuse me while I continue to explore my faith and this new theory I’ve developed. 

Sometimes I feel like I have Bipolar Christainism……anyone else? Some times I look at the world around me and think “Wow what an amazing God who has created all this?” and I praise him like there is no tomorrow. The next day I realize all the hard crap I have to deal with, and I think, “What kind of a God would allow this much on my plate at one time?” I know like most Christians you are thinking…..”Well now Keri….this is not God’s plan it is Satan’s.” Hmmmmm okay, I see your point…..but please tell me the last time you felt overwhelmed and angry and your first thought was…..”oh well, this is just Satan’s plan….God has nothing to do with it.”  

Cause we’ve all been taught this….but we’ve also been taught that God has the power to, oh what do they say…..MOVE MOUNTAINS? When will the mountain I’m carrying on my back be moved? Anyone……I’ve got my mustard seed of faith I really do…. And yet nothing.  

So what brings about my decision that I have Bipolar Christianism? Well this morning while driving to work. I’m listening to my praise and worship CD, thinking to myself, “Self, you got to Praise the Lord in the time of your struggles.” So I’m listening and singing the songs, I’ve sung my entire life and one minute I’m like singing and happy only to find myself stopping to really think about the words. The song is this, “Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be you name, Jesus. You give and take away, you give and take away, you give and take away, Lord Blessed be your name.” So I stop and think AMEN. You gave and you are now taking away. Now my first thought was not, “Blessed be your name.” It was something quite different that I will not put on here!! I’m sorry but I’m a selfish Sinful person who hates it when things are given to me and taken away. How rude!!!!!!!!! I like things given to me and if I choose to give it away great, but I don’t want it taken away from me. I understand about death….I get that. But what about health or love? So really when was the last time you thought about the songs you were singing to the Almighty. Cause there are some I just don’t get!  

So does this make me a bad person??? Is there some type of Christian medication I should be taking, perhaps I should read the Bible more, or pray more, go to church more. Perhaps……but why then would people say Christ comes to you in the hard times if you are expected to “do more?”  

So here is what I’m thinking. Christianity in our society, is like a drug it’s self. We consider those who seem to have the “spiritual high” to be the “good Christians.” And those who seem content in faith to be lazy. There are highs and there are lows when it comes to faith. But then there are the times in faith, where every single day there is a new emotion. I think, while I call it “Bipolar Christianism,” I think it is being human. Profound? No but Honest? I think so. There are things in life that will move us to realize there is a God and he can do amazing things. There are things in life….that though you study the Bible, pray with out ceasing, tithe constantly, love your enemies, give of yourself to others….There are things in life that will cause you to say…. “If there is a God where is the hell is he?”  

Why is it as Christians, we feel the need to defend God….Isn’t he the All Powerful one? Are we so afraid he will fail to answer this question, that when a friend is in need, and hurt, and angry, we feel the need to pat them on the back and say, “It’s okay God is with you, he has a plan…..he is just testing your faith….you know like Job.”  

Or how about when a non believer stands up and asks this question we say, “oh they just don’t get it.” Lets be honest there are times in life…….when I, you, everyone….just doesn’t get it. 

Ever suffer from Bipolar Christianism? I do.  

I’m twenty four and have seen a lot in my few years here. I’ve over come great obstacles and I’ve sank in the depths of despair many times. Yet it seems as though nothing can compare to the obstacle before me. As a young girl I would hear stories about women unable to have their own babies and a sense of pity would arise. I never fully understood the complications this could cause for a woman or the trauma to her spirit. We always say adoption is such a noble option, which is true as can be, yet there is something to be said for the miracle of creating something so precious with the one you share you life with. There is something to be said for losing your sense of who you are as a woman if you are unable to have your own children. And you know that people look at you with the same pity you once had for others. We are raised to be care takers and to always put others before our selves. Which is what I struggle with now; I don’t want to let any one down. And yet I suffer. I go to doctor after doctor with no answers, no resolve, and no hope for relieve. I go through treatments that seem to work for a small period of time with many terrible side effects just to one day maybe…..just maybe be able to carry my own child. Is it worth it? Only a question I can answer and yet, at the same time I can not.I want to put others feelings above my own and be selfish all at the same time.  

In life you can sympathize with others and hold their hands while they walk through the rocky valley of life. But the truth is you will never understand what another goes through unless you have walked through the same valley with the same rocks and most of us rarely do. That is why you feel so alone when you stumble and crawl. God promises to be there “though I walk through the valley….” Yet at times I feel there must be a dense fog that keeps me from seeing him and loud thunder that covers his voice from my ear. I cry out time and time again………yet I can not hear his voice. Have my eyes been blinded? And my ears made deaf??? Jesus come for your lost lamb!!  

I praise you through my struggles….I don’t know how Oh God but some how I do. That my path in life may not be as bad as others, that my trails be not life or death, that my security is safe. I place songs of praise in my heart and I cling to the Voice I know I shall hear again.  

Which way do we go when we can not see the road????  Be Still and know that I am God. Be still and know…..

So lets just be honest shall well…..as this seems to be my motto for life. Life can suck even if you are Christian. I know a lot of you will say, “well Keri just have more faith.” or how bout “Keri, God has a plan for this. He will make you stronger or even help some one else.” And yes while these things may all be true…..it doesn’t mean life can’t suck.

For those of you have been following the story of my health, or have heard through some one else. I have been on a long journey for quite some time. I have severe chronic pain in my lower left abdomen from Endometriosis. I’ve had two surgeries to remove the Endo, and tried a variety of hormones to correct the problem. Unfortunately none of them have worked for me. Recently, I was given a Nerve Block by the Boston Pain Clinic and the first one back in March helped with the pain for about a month.

Last Wed. I went back to the Boston Pain Clinic for a second nerve block. However, the procedure was not as successful as the last time. There were several complications and I ended up in ER yesterday with chest pains from some of the medication they injected on Wed.

So once again, Josh and I feel as though we are at square one. Having to think about things that we should not have to deal with this early in life. We have two options and both are equally hard and have consequences that will effect the rest of our lives. We are not ready to be parents and yet we are not ready to give up the option of having kids of our own later in life.

So What Does God say to all this????????

Being a Christian does not mean life is perfect and nothing bad will ever happen to you. I think a lot of people get that perception of “Christians.” and I for one think it is sad. I am like everyone else, with my own set of problems, my own sins and terrible thoughts, and my own weaknesses. Just because I believe in an ALL Powerful God, does not mean I’m free from trouble. I wish sometimes that were true but not yet. he he he.

So where do we go from here. Who knows????? Any thoughts suggestions?